This week there is a story making national headlines. It concerns women in their late seventies and early eighties having plastic surgery (http://bit.ly/qd5dDd). The article I chose to quote attributes this to "toxic social pressures." These same social pressures occur in teens, as manifest by the growing number of teens opting for bariatric surgery to assist with weight loss. Toxic social pressures can actually occur as early as first or second grade.
How do parents deal with the effects of all this negative pressure? How do we prevent it?
As with most things, prevention is the best policy. We prevent this with grass roots efforts. It starts at home. We all need to take responsibility for this. We need to teach our children to look beyond physical appearance. Picking on someone for how they look is bullying. They need to understand that bullying isn't just fighting or physical threats. Words can hurt just as badly as fists. We've all been hurt by the words of an acquaitance or coworker. As adults, we find it disturbing or even painful. As children, we simply aren't equipped to deal with this.
I would also talk to your children about their self-image. What do they feel good about, concerning themselves. What bothers or scares them about themselves. Then ask them the same things about their siblings and close friends. Then, ask them about classmates and other children in school. Ask about the children who stand out, both as favorites and as outcasts. Why are they favorites or outcasts? Is it because of their appearance or their personality? Children can pick out the favorites and outcasts by 3-4 years of age. These conversations are excellent opportunities to help them develop personal values. It can make them stronger individuals and help them develop integrity.
If you can, arrange play dates with classmates who are outcasts, as well as favorites. This will enrich your child's social experiences, as well as your own. The invited child may be an outcast due to his or her personality. Such a situation will require close monitoring by adults, but can be safely done. Keep in mind that "hurt people hurt people." The child may be lashing out due to unwitnessed abuse or lack of parenting at home. That child may need you more than you could possibly know.
As you educate your children in this manner, they will learn the joy of helping others. This is one of the greatest joys of being a person. They will become empowered, which will help their self-esteem. These simple things can greatly improve their happiness.
A much more difficult question is what to do once bullying has occurred. Schools in the US are being challenged to deal with this problem, and it has become massive. Few programs have proven their efficacy. The KiVa program (http://bit.ly/oeJICh) is one exception. Some Kansas schools will be rolling out this program soon. For those parents whose school is not in this program, get involved. Get involved with your school to battle bullying before you become aware of a problem. Help create in your childs' school(s) an atmosphere of nurturing. Children who are outcasts or victims of bullying have much more difficulty concentrating on schoolwork.
Let's stop teaching children to condemn one another or themselves. A healthy self-image in childhood will lead to greater self-confidence and a healthier self-image as an adult.
Just trying to change the world.
Nanette Nuessle, MD, FAAP
House Call Pediatrician
Overland Park, KS
http://FiresidePediatrics.com
www.PersonalMedicine.com
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